


A Stale Tale

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Marauders' Era, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-26
Updated: 2007-03-26
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:46:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: An unabashedly clichÃ© Lily/James fic, set in their 7th year.  Featuring, hackneyed dialogue, trite conflict, yet (somehow) some original idea!





	A Stale Tale

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Author’s Note: So, this is my (un-beta'ed, so please excuse gaping plot holes...better yet, assume I meant them to be there) attempt at humor. I’ve gotten a little bit tired of trying to come up with an original Lily/James story, so I decided to take the easy way out and not make it original! “A Stale Tale” is chock full of clichés, but it also includes some of my own outrageous ideas. This story is not meant to offend anybody; it is purely for entertainment purposes. I don’t have any set plan for updating (no empty promises), but this is probably going to end up being your typical 7th year love/hate James/Lily story. Now, let the parodying commence!

Disclaimer: Most certainly not mine. I would be banging James on the bathroom floor right now if I owned him! Oh, and Lily too. And Sirius and Remus.

**A Stale Tale Chapter 1: On the Hogwarts Express**

It was September 1, and all the Hogwarts students were waiting for the Hogwarts Express to arrive. You could pick out the first years on Platform 9 ¾ because they were the ones sobbing and flinging their arms around their parents’ necks. Even their excitement over Hogwarts couldn’t deter them from being their crybaby, eleven-year-old selves.

Lillian Evans (sometimes she hated the fact that her parents had named her “Lillian—” what was wrong with plain old “Lily?”) nearly had tears in her eyes, too; she was in her seventh year at Hogwarts, which was a seven-year school. I am explaining these details of Hogwarts because I know that, despite the fact that you are reading Harry Potter fanfiction, you have never actually read the canon series. She, being Muggle-born, didn’t know what she was going to do after Hogwarts. Even though she knew Professor McGonagall was going to provide some career counseling, Lily didn’t think that Minnie, as the Marauders somehow were able to get away with calling her, was a reliable source. And where would she live? Why, if she didn’t resolve all of these issues soon, she would end up cohabitating with Hagrid! Lily’s rabid musings were interrupted—thankfully—by a greeting.

“Hey Lils.”

“Oh (sniff), hey, Mary.” Mary Susan McCleod was Lily’s best friend. Sometimes people called her Mary Sue, or sometimes M.S. or M.C., but usually just Mary.

“Why are you crying?” Mary asked.

“Oh, um, for no reason,” Lily replied as she wiped her tears. “Now, let’s go onto the train! As Lillian Evans, Head Girl, I must be certain to be early to the Prefects compartment, so that I can be all alone and be and easy target to any stray Slytherin who wants to use the word ‘Mudblood.’ I’ll find you after the meeting is over.” The friends boarded the train, which I forgot to say had pulled up while they were greeting one another, and went their separate ways. 

\--*&\---…&%^@#8----**@@@@@xxoooooooo0000000======!!!!!!!*****&&&&&\- (note the complicated divider)

Lily was sitting alone in the Prefects compartment, waiting for the Head Boy. While she waited, she read her Charms textbook; Charms was her favorite subject, and Lily wanted to be über-prepared in order for Professor Flitwick to love her even more than he already did. Plus, she was in general an over-achiever. Lily was deeply involved in her reading when it was interrupted by the loud slamming of her compartment door.

“Why, hello there, Mudblood,” drawled none other than Lucius Malfoy.

“What did you call me?” Lily asked. She stood up fast and whipped out her wand from the hidden pocket she had sewn into her jeans, not realizing as her expensive and heavy Charms textbook fell to the floor.

“You heard me, _Mudblood_ ,” Malfoy growled as he advanced toward her. Lily’s wand quivered a bit in her hand as she quaked under Malfoy’s malevolent grey-eyed stare, forgetting for a moment that she was perfectly able to handle him. “Now, why don’t you—”

Malfoy’s speech was interrupted by the slamming of the compartment door.

“Put down your wand, Lucius!”

Both Malfoy and Lily whirled around to see the newcomer. It was Severus Snape. Lily nearly cried in relief; Snape was one of her good friends. They had bonded over their talent at potions and mutual loathing of James Potter. Snape’s wry sense of humor and good advice helped Lily overlook the fact that he was sometimes a bit of a snob when it came to her Muggle heritage. 

“What are you talking about, Severus? Now come over here. I am your lord and you do what I say, and I say come over here and help me terrorize this Mudblood,” Lucius said.

“No, Lucius. I will not stand for it. Lily is my friend. She may have dirty blood, yes, but any enemy of that horrid James Potter is a friend of mine. I am sorry to say this, Lucius, but stand aside.”

“No, YOU stand aside and let me at her!” Malfoy was getting so riled up by Snape’s statements that he had forgotten that nothing stood between him and his victim. Snape merely squared his shoulders and stood his ground.

Both Slytherins stood there for a moment, chests heaving, before launching themselves at the other. In no time, they were rolling around on the floor fighting like Muggles; all of their heavily-ingrained wizard thinking and wandwork had gone down the drain at the first sign of testosterone, progesterone, estrogen, and adrenaline.

Lily shrieked shrilly as the two young men rolled near her, nearly crushing her feet in their worn-out Converse™ with black- and red-checkered laces. Her fiery auburn red hair, which had previously been up in a bun reminiscent of the severity of one of Professor McGonagall’s, tumbled down around her shoulders. She jumped up on one of the seats in order to avoid the fight, but it continued to rage in front of her. Suddenly, Malfoy kicked out with one of his legs…it caught Lily behind her knee, and she felt her leg buckle beneath her. She was falling, falling…

Caught. Wait, what? Caught? How cliché is that? But never mind. An instant after she felt herself falling off the plush-covered hard plastic seat, Lily felt strong arms around her, setting her safely on the ground.

“Th-thank you,” she murmured. “I thought I was a goner there…”

“Never fear! You will never be a goner when Captain Underpants is here! Er, I mean, James Potter,” her rescuer said. Even the futuristic American graphic novel reference failed to make Lily laugh; that was how distressed she was. Instead, she found herself staring up into James Potters’ deep hazel whirlpools, which others would call eyes. James, for his part, was mesmerized by his damsel’s emerald eyes. The lovely color brought to mind the enchanting green of the mould on the extremely old loaf of bread he had chucked in the bin last week, for fear of fatal food poisoning. James’ heartbeat quickened and he started breathing faster and more shallowly, and Lily could feel his hot breath on her face. Somehow, it was turning her on.

Slowly, very slowly, Lily felt her head being pulled towards James’, and his seemed to be doing the same thing. Soon, their faces were a mere three inches apart, and each had thoughts running as fast as cheetahs through their heads.

“Is this really happening? Am I about to…kiss…James Potter?” Lily asked herself incredulously.

“Is this really happening? Am I about to…kiss…Lily Evans?” James asked himself incredulously. It was all he could do to contain his excitement.

SLAM! The two students broke apart as the compartment door slammed open once again, and Lily hurriedly hopped down from James' arms (into which she had mysteriously reappeared). They both turned to the newcomer and found that it was Remus Lupin.

“Er, shall I come back later?” he asked, the corners of his lips twitching. “I was just, um, here for the Prefects meeting, but apparently I’m early and the Head students aren’t ready quite yet, so…I’ll just come back later, yeah?”

“NO!” Lily shouted. “I mean, don’t go. We’ll just wait for the Head Boy together while Potter here leaves. By the by, do you happen to know who the Head Boy is? Honestly, he’s being so irresponsible right now—where is he?” James raised his hand.

“Yes, Potter? Do you have something to say?” Lily asked exasperatedly.

“I just, er, wanted to say that the Head Boy is here. Yep, he’s present and accounted for.”

“Remus? You got Head Boy? Congratulations!” She let out a little celebratory squeal and hopped over to him, but he shook his head.

“Nope, sorry Lily. I hate to be the one to tell you this (nobody knows how much I hate it more than I do), but, er, I’m not the Head Boy,” Remus said apologetically.

“Then…who is? The only other person here is…no. Please tell me it’s not—”

“Yes, my lovely Lily-flower. Allow me to introduce you to this year’s Head Boy,” James said with a little bow.

“B-but, I don’t understand! Why—Dumbledore and McGonagall must’ve gone mad!” Lily cried.

“While that is possible, it does not negate the fact that I truly am this year’s Head Boy. So, where are those mangy old prefect-dogs? Let me at ’em…” Lily rolled her eyes.

“Potter, why don’t you just sit down and be quiet so that I can look at you. I mean, sit down and be quiet so that I, Lillian Evans (proud possessor of no middle name), can show the ‘mangy old prefect-dogs,’ as you so eloquently put it, can run the meeting. As you are hopelessly irresponsible, I know I can’t expect anything better from you than a string of wisecracks, so, if you’re not going to help me, at least don’t undermine me. Understand?” Lily said, rather menacingly.

“Erm, yes, Drill Master Sergeant Evans, sir!” James quipped, along with a mock-salute. He did, however, follow what she said, and sat down on the nearest seat. Remus and Lily followed suit, and as the latter was flipping through her notes for the meeting, the rest of the prefects filed in.

When they were all settled—the six Slytherin prefects were gathered in a corner, and there was a three-seat gap between them and the prefects from the other houses, who had deemed it permissible to do some (excluding Slytherin) inter-house mixing. Lily shuffled her notes one last time, cleared her throat, and stood up. When James failed to follow her lead, she glared at him until he finally got the hint and joined her at the head of the table, which had magically appeared in the Prefects’ Compartment.

“Hello, prefects,” Lily began. “I would like to begin by congratulating all of the fifth year prefects on their achievement. Prefects are an elite group, and the badges you all wear now are in recognition of your accomplishments. Because you have shown the faculty that you are conscientious, intelligent students, you have been awarded the privileges of prefectship. 

“Remember, though, that with great power comes great responsibility. I will not tolerate any abuse of power, and I expect all of you to always live up to the expectations placed on you by the Headmaster.” Here, she looked pointedly at James; although she had told him not to undermine her, she had never promised that she would not undermine him. “Now, I think the Head Boy has something to say.”

“Hello, prefects! I am not going to say much—I only wish to congratulate you all, as well, and add that there is the added incentive of the Head Student positions to get you all onto the path of good behavior! Though I was not a prefect, I would like to point out the example of the lovely Miss Evans here, who-”

“Who was given the benefit of the doubt by our Mudblood-loving Headmaster,” finished Bellatrix Black.

Immediately following her inflammatory statement, the non-Slytherin prefects jumped into action, defending Lily. James was the loudest, and you could hear him shouting things such as, “Death Eaters in training!” or “At least she didn’t have to buy her way into her position!” And other such masterful arguments.

Lily didn’t join in the shouting match. She only stood there, looking a little shocked at the outburst. She had predicted some aversion to her new status, but nothing on the order of this. Something had to be done about this…if every time she opened her mouth there was some sort of eruption, the prefects would get nothing done. Lily didn’t mind so much that she had been the spark that began the current fight, but she didn’t want her beloved prefects to lose their unity. Without unity, they never would be able to fight student crime.

“OY, YOU LOT! SHUT UP!” At Remus’ shout, the sheer shrillness of which cut through the din, and following whistle, the brawl finally ceased. “Thank you. God, I though I was going to have to break out my dungbombs.”

After that, Lily finally got everyone settled and back in their seats, and the meeting commenced rather as she had hoped it would. Although a few threatening glances were thrown, mostly between the Slytherin prefects and James, Lily was able to get through all of her notes. 

\-----

“Did you know that James Potter is the bloody Head Boy?” Lily cried as she burst into the compartment her friends were in. Mary and Lily’s other best friends, Alisha Kapoor and Gwyneth Casey (or, Gwyn), gestured frantically at her to be quiet. “Huh? What are you waving about for, girls? Do I have something ghastly marring the lovely freckles on my nose?”

“No, Lily,” she whispered, instead pointing discreetly to her right. “We’re not alone.”

“Ohhh…whoops,” Lily muttered, her face turning red to the tips of her fire-engine red hair. Their compartment-mates were none other than James Potter himself and his three cronies, the other three corners of the “Marauder” rhombus: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. James and Remus, and in fact, all of the prefects, had left the Prefects’ Compartment before Lily; she had stayed after the meeting for a bit to reflect on how she could improve on her leadership skills.

“I forgot to ask you earlier—how did your summer go? Even though we are best friends, we didn’t stay in contact, so I have no clue how you spent those three long months while I was tanning on some tropical island my family owns in the Caribbean!” Mary asked Lily.

“Well, basically I spent it moping around the house for Hogwarts and getting into humongous fights with Petunia, who still can’t get over the fact that I’m a witch and she’s not,” Lily replied. “She just doesn’t realize that even though things are never going to be quite the same as they were before I ever heard of Hogwarts, we are still sisters, and we could at least get along. But I suppose she’s just hopeless…now, what did you two do this summer? Please speak loudly so that I can block out the lewd jokes the boys are making over their game of Exploding Snap.”

“I got a job! I worked at an ice cream parlor, and every day was spent with my entire arm down a freezing freezer…” Gwyn smiled sheepishly. “Just kidding. I basically just sat around the house watching the telly and hanging out with my next door neighbor.” The girls laughed at Gwyn’s extremely funny joke.

“Well, my mum made me stay in the house all summer, too, but I had to cook Indian food and try on saris and things. She wants me to be a ‘good Indian girl’ so that I’ll be suitable for marriage. She’s been pushing me at this boy named Arjun Patil, even though I keep telling her that this is England, not India, and marriages aren’t arranged anymore,” Alisha replied. The four launched into a conversation about what a drag parents could be, avoiding any discussion they didn’t wish to be overheard by the Marauders.

\-----

Meanwhile, about three feet away, the Marauders were playing Exploding Snap. They were not, however, making lewd jokes; rather, they were discussing James’ “success” with wooing Lily. Each boy was giving him their individual form of advice.

“Prongs, she’s looking for a chap who can give her the best shag of her life. You need to show her that you’re the one who can give that to her. I suggest you date one of her friends and make Evans jealous; that way, she’ll realize what she’s been missing and come running into your arms!”

“Padfoot, that doesn’t even make any sense,” Remus said. He went on with his own advice, ignoring Sirius’ indignant shout and the hit he received on the back of his head. “I think you should just show her that you aren’t the arse she thinks you are. You used to be a bit arrogant—actually, very arrogant, but now you’re much better. Don’t hit me, Prongs! I said you’re better! All you have to do is that you think of her as more than just a good shag. Become her friend, first, maybe. Or at least, don’t call her ‘Evans,’ or ‘Lily-flower,’ or any of those odd nicknames you think of, and just call her ‘Lily.’”

“So, maybe the werewolf comes up with a good point,” interjected Sirius, heedlessly throwing about Remus’ lycanthropy. “But let’s hear Wormtail’s.”

“Er, I think…you should…buy her a bunch of stuff from Hogsmeade and expensive gifts?” Following Peter’s ‘suggestion,’ James, Sirius, and Remus just stared at him for a bit.

“You never were quite as smart as the rest of us, Pete,” James said. He didn’t see the look of frightening anger that passed over Peter’s face before it was replaced with an apologetic one.

The four boys went back to their game, and James mulled over what his friends had suggested. He glanced over at the other side of the compartment, where Lily was laughing and talking softly with her friends. She looks so beautiful, he thought. She deserves someone better than me. That in mind, James resolved to follow Remus’ advice.

The Hogwarts Express chugged ever closer to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. 

 

A/N: plz r&r ( I don’t understand why authors include that first “r.” If the reader is reading the author’s note at the end of the chapter, doesn’t that imply that they’ve already read the chapter? Why not just request simple reviews? ). That said, review, please? I’d like to know what you think—constructive criticism welcomed and appreciated. 


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